Wednesday, 7 September 2011
You are one of God's mistakes.
you crying tragic waste of skin. (lyrics)
I've recently been sorting out an old box of stuff, and my cd collection and i've made a very important realisation and it's sparked off a trail of thought- I've realised i'm really possessive over things, mostly about the section of my life i'm in, but I think it's quite charming- you may think its creepy.
There are things I meant to throw away a long time ago but i've held on to them. Now, i'm not the type to hold on to memories, because quite frankly I find remembering them too painful so i'd rather them slip happily into the depths of forgotten time.
I don't want to sound like an obnoxious twat when I say that, because i'm not.
I'm the sort of person who lives for the present and future. I hate the past. I hate everything in the past and most of the people in it. And it really bugged me knowing I kept this stuff because I don't know why I did- none of what I kept was from a particularly happy time in my life, in fact its from the build up to the worst time of my life and it's a time i'd rather pretend never happened (reguardless of my own reminders). However, let me just share the stuff I found: Old gig tickets, old photos, old notes, old cards. The stuff I actively keep without even questioning them is possibly everything obtainable from a general day out with Tom; such as receipts, cinema tickets, coach/train/bus tickets, cards, money, wrappers, labels, empty bottles and the general intense memory of his smell and taste, his voice, the way his eyes look when he looks at me and how his skin feels, how his hugs feel, how his hands feel, the warmth of his body- generally how he feels in all aspects. Some of the other things i've kept are empty purfume bottles because the smell reminds me of a certain time we were together: Kate Moss- Velvet hour reminds me of christmas 2008- When the bottle ran dry- the whole of the wintery season (The second season I love most). It reminds me so much of being in his house in Norwich (which he doesn't have anymore)- it reminds me so much that I get the exact moment I sprayed it flash back in my mind as if it just happened.
Back to what I was talking about though...With me saying that era's of my life are too painful to remember, its not me being attention seeking and over exagerating, its because it generally was. I had a conversation earlier on today about how certain people lie about themselves (which is where this is going), whether it be because they can't help it or because they're horrible selfish attention seeking people. I don't know, it genuinely made me grateful for the way I am and made me certain of something (I wont say what).
I'm a very honest person and I don't believe in lying, not for any reason. I don't believe theres any excuse for lying, nor any reason why someone should feel the need to lie. I have never lied of a serious kind, obviously the petty 'i'm not drunk, honest' kind, and I have certainly never lied about another person before.
I am genuine, and i am (if i do say so myself) a very nice person. I've spent the last 3 years going out of my way to make a special person happy, and not because I felt I had to, but because I wanted to. I wanted to be the person to repair his confidence, trust and faith in people and most of all I wanted to make him happy. There is nothing I wouldn't do to make him happy- it's honestly all I want.
Hes been the main reason for myself and my life changing and I think theres something of a serious nature between us, theres something no one else can feel between us. And what makes that so is pure honesty and trust in one another.
This is purely a personal realisation after I admitedly I felt quite rubbish looking through old memories and listening to my old music that reminded me of crap that was in the past, but it is there and people are there for a reason.
Most of the time I leave people behind, because I dont feel they're worth keeping in my life or because I probably don't like them or they've done something I can't forgive. I'm not a very forgiving person anyway because I don't believe people should do things they need to be forgiven for.
And the one thing I can't forgive is lying.
I really do pity people who feel the need to lie to others or about others to make themselves seem more interesting than they really are or to make people like them or some rubbish like that. I hate pretentious people, I hate people trying to be something else, I hate attention seeking people and I hate selfish people.
They always forget the people they're hurting.
All I want to do is make him happy.
I've recently been sorting out an old box of stuff, and my cd collection and i've made a very important realisation and it's sparked off a trail of thought- I've realised i'm really possessive over things, mostly about the section of my life i'm in, but I think it's quite charming- you may think its creepy.
There are things I meant to throw away a long time ago but i've held on to them. Now, i'm not the type to hold on to memories, because quite frankly I find remembering them too painful so i'd rather them slip happily into the depths of forgotten time.
I don't want to sound like an obnoxious twat when I say that, because i'm not.
I'm the sort of person who lives for the present and future. I hate the past. I hate everything in the past and most of the people in it. And it really bugged me knowing I kept this stuff because I don't know why I did- none of what I kept was from a particularly happy time in my life, in fact its from the build up to the worst time of my life and it's a time i'd rather pretend never happened (reguardless of my own reminders). However, let me just share the stuff I found: Old gig tickets, old photos, old notes, old cards. The stuff I actively keep without even questioning them is possibly everything obtainable from a general day out with Tom; such as receipts, cinema tickets, coach/train/bus tickets, cards, money, wrappers, labels, empty bottles and the general intense memory of his smell and taste, his voice, the way his eyes look when he looks at me and how his skin feels, how his hugs feel, how his hands feel, the warmth of his body- generally how he feels in all aspects. Some of the other things i've kept are empty purfume bottles because the smell reminds me of a certain time we were together: Kate Moss- Velvet hour reminds me of christmas 2008- When the bottle ran dry- the whole of the wintery season (The second season I love most). It reminds me so much of being in his house in Norwich (which he doesn't have anymore)- it reminds me so much that I get the exact moment I sprayed it flash back in my mind as if it just happened.
Back to what I was talking about though...With me saying that era's of my life are too painful to remember, its not me being attention seeking and over exagerating, its because it generally was. I had a conversation earlier on today about how certain people lie about themselves (which is where this is going), whether it be because they can't help it or because they're horrible selfish attention seeking people. I don't know, it genuinely made me grateful for the way I am and made me certain of something (I wont say what).
I'm a very honest person and I don't believe in lying, not for any reason. I don't believe theres any excuse for lying, nor any reason why someone should feel the need to lie. I have never lied of a serious kind, obviously the petty 'i'm not drunk, honest' kind, and I have certainly never lied about another person before.
I am genuine, and i am (if i do say so myself) a very nice person. I've spent the last 3 years going out of my way to make a special person happy, and not because I felt I had to, but because I wanted to. I wanted to be the person to repair his confidence, trust and faith in people and most of all I wanted to make him happy. There is nothing I wouldn't do to make him happy- it's honestly all I want.
Hes been the main reason for myself and my life changing and I think theres something of a serious nature between us, theres something no one else can feel between us. And what makes that so is pure honesty and trust in one another.
This is purely a personal realisation after I admitedly I felt quite rubbish looking through old memories and listening to my old music that reminded me of crap that was in the past, but it is there and people are there for a reason.
Most of the time I leave people behind, because I dont feel they're worth keeping in my life or because I probably don't like them or they've done something I can't forgive. I'm not a very forgiving person anyway because I don't believe people should do things they need to be forgiven for.
And the one thing I can't forgive is lying.
I really do pity people who feel the need to lie to others or about others to make themselves seem more interesting than they really are or to make people like them or some rubbish like that. I hate pretentious people, I hate people trying to be something else, I hate attention seeking people and I hate selfish people.
They always forget the people they're hurting.
All I want to do is make him happy.
Friday, 2 September 2011
I'm actually doing this.
001. What is Your Name? Loreta Laura Hayward
002. How old are you? Going on 20
003. What is the link to your website, blog, or myspace? Have a look
General
004. What is your height? 5'7
005. Do you have any siblings? yes, 5- 3 girls, 2 boys.
006. What is your eye colour? Brown
007. What is your hair colour? Mouse brown/ Golden brownish
008. Do you wear glasses or contacts? Neither
009. Are you right handed or left handed? Right
010. Do you have any piercings? Yes 8 of them
011. Do you smoke? Sometimes, not often
012. Do you swear? Pretty much always
013. Do you get along with your parents? My mum mostly
014. Your heritage? Uhh not exactly sure but a mixture of eastern European, English and Irish :/
015. Your fears? Spiders, water, wide open spaces.
016. Goal you would like to achieve this year? Get a Job.
017. Most overused phrase on an instant messenger? Probably 'omg'
018. Best Physical Feature? Been told its my eyes, but i'd say my bum :)
019. Your bedtime? When the caffeine wears off
020. What time do you arise in the morning? I usually miss mornings..
021. First thoughts waking up? 5 more minutes
022. Do you shower daily? I wash daily, but I don't shower daily. I really don't get that dirty...
This Or That?
023. Bright or dark room? Dark
024. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate
025. Dogs of cats? Both, I can't possibly choose, dogs understand more and are more playful but cats are more cuddly.
026. Pepsi or Coke? Coke zero
027. McDonalds or Burger King? Real food please
028. Ant or Dec? Neither
029. Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea? I've never tried any of them
030. Cappuccino or Coffee? OH MY GOD BOTH <3 Cappuccino is better though
In the last month have you...
031. Drank alcohol? Nope
032. Gone to a mall? Yes
033. Eaten a box of Oreos? No
034. Eaten sushi? I dont eat sushi =S
035. Been on stage? Heck no
036. Been dumped? Heck no
037. Gone skinny dipping? Heck no
038. Stolen Anything? Heck no
Have you ever...
039. Laughed for no reason? Oh yes, many a time
040. Been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do? Not that I know of
041. Been in love? Yes
042. Fired a gun? No
043. Been drunk? Yes
044. Been called a Tease? Yes
045. Been beaten up? Never
046. Shoplifted? Nope
What was the last....
047. Furry thing you touched? The cat down the road earlier today
048. Thing you've said? Out loud- 'Mum wake up!'
049. Song you've listened to? Merle Haggard- Mama tried
050. (Who was the last) person you've spoken to on the phone? My mum
051. Movie you watched? Well I'm currently watching Childs Play 3, if you mean in the cinema it was the Inbetweeners movie
052. Thing you were doing before this? Talking to a few friends
053. Time you cried? Last night
054. Song you've sang? Love song- Korn
055. Time you looked at the clock? About an hour ago
056. Food and drink you've had? Rice cakes with chive cream cheese and cold coffee =/
057. Flavour of gum you've chewed? Mint flavour :S
058. Shoes you've worn? My battered vans
059. Store you've been in? Superdrug
Favourite...
060. Planet? Jupitar
061. Age you've been so far? Probably the age I am now (19)
062. Season? Always Autumn
063. Number? 13
064. TV show? Come dine with me (at the moment)
065. Flower? Lily
Random...
066. How much cash do you have on you? £5 exactly
067. What's a word that rhymes with 'door'? Floor
068. What T-Shirt are you wearing? Its a pretty white floral top
069. What brand of shoes are you wearing? I'm wearing socks
070. What did your last text message say? My boyfriend telling me I have to tell him my dream and than he said he loves me :)
071. What were you doing at midnight last night? Mate I was in bed
072. What's your current desktop picture? Its of me and Tom
073. What's a word that you say a lot? 'omg' or 'fuck'
074. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Probably green or orange
075. How is the weather right now? its dark outside and cold, its london so i presume its cloudy out too
076. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? I noticed his big blue eyes
077. Are you too shy to ask someone out? Very
078. Can you do a headstand (not using a wall)? No O.O
079. Who would you like to see right now? My boyfriend
080. How many pillows do you sleep with? 4
081. Would you go on a date with someone on MySpace? Heck no
082. How do you want to die? I dont mind so long as I don't drown
083. What do you want to be when you grow up? A writer
084. What country would you most like to visit? Iceland
085. How many CDs do you own? A lot
086. How many things, in your past, do you regret? 1 thing, or 2.
087. Do you think you are attractive? It really depends on my mood
088. Do you believe in yourself? Not really but that depends on my mood too
089. Do you want to get married? Yes
In a boy/girl...
090. Favourite eye colour? Blue
091. Favourite hair colour? Mouse brown
092. Short or long hair? Short
093. Height? 6ft2
094. Weight? However much Tom weighs.
002. How old are you? Going on 20
003. What is the link to your website, blog, or myspace? Have a look
General
004. What is your height? 5'7
005. Do you have any siblings? yes, 5- 3 girls, 2 boys.
006. What is your eye colour? Brown
007. What is your hair colour? Mouse brown/ Golden brownish
008. Do you wear glasses or contacts? Neither
009. Are you right handed or left handed? Right
010. Do you have any piercings? Yes 8 of them
011. Do you smoke? Sometimes, not often
012. Do you swear? Pretty much always
013. Do you get along with your parents? My mum mostly
014. Your heritage? Uhh not exactly sure but a mixture of eastern European, English and Irish :/
015. Your fears? Spiders, water, wide open spaces.
016. Goal you would like to achieve this year? Get a Job.
017. Most overused phrase on an instant messenger? Probably 'omg'
018. Best Physical Feature? Been told its my eyes, but i'd say my bum :)
019. Your bedtime? When the caffeine wears off
020. What time do you arise in the morning? I usually miss mornings..
021. First thoughts waking up? 5 more minutes
022. Do you shower daily? I wash daily, but I don't shower daily. I really don't get that dirty...
This Or That?
023. Bright or dark room? Dark
024. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate
025. Dogs of cats? Both, I can't possibly choose, dogs understand more and are more playful but cats are more cuddly.
026. Pepsi or Coke? Coke zero
027. McDonalds or Burger King? Real food please
028. Ant or Dec? Neither
029. Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea? I've never tried any of them
030. Cappuccino or Coffee? OH MY GOD BOTH <3 Cappuccino is better though
In the last month have you...
031. Drank alcohol? Nope
032. Gone to a mall? Yes
033. Eaten a box of Oreos? No
034. Eaten sushi? I dont eat sushi =S
035. Been on stage? Heck no
036. Been dumped? Heck no
037. Gone skinny dipping? Heck no
038. Stolen Anything? Heck no
Have you ever...
039. Laughed for no reason? Oh yes, many a time
040. Been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do? Not that I know of
041. Been in love? Yes
042. Fired a gun? No
043. Been drunk? Yes
044. Been called a Tease? Yes
045. Been beaten up? Never
046. Shoplifted? Nope
What was the last....
047. Furry thing you touched? The cat down the road earlier today
048. Thing you've said? Out loud- 'Mum wake up!'
049. Song you've listened to? Merle Haggard- Mama tried
050. (Who was the last) person you've spoken to on the phone? My mum
051. Movie you watched? Well I'm currently watching Childs Play 3, if you mean in the cinema it was the Inbetweeners movie
052. Thing you were doing before this? Talking to a few friends
053. Time you cried? Last night
054. Song you've sang? Love song- Korn
055. Time you looked at the clock? About an hour ago
056. Food and drink you've had? Rice cakes with chive cream cheese and cold coffee =/
057. Flavour of gum you've chewed? Mint flavour :S
058. Shoes you've worn? My battered vans
059. Store you've been in? Superdrug
Favourite...
060. Planet? Jupitar
061. Age you've been so far? Probably the age I am now (19)
062. Season? Always Autumn
063. Number? 13
064. TV show? Come dine with me (at the moment)
065. Flower? Lily
Random...
066. How much cash do you have on you? £5 exactly
067. What's a word that rhymes with 'door'? Floor
068. What T-Shirt are you wearing? Its a pretty white floral top
069. What brand of shoes are you wearing? I'm wearing socks
070. What did your last text message say? My boyfriend telling me I have to tell him my dream and than he said he loves me :)
071. What were you doing at midnight last night? Mate I was in bed
072. What's your current desktop picture? Its of me and Tom
073. What's a word that you say a lot? 'omg' or 'fuck'
074. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Probably green or orange
075. How is the weather right now? its dark outside and cold, its london so i presume its cloudy out too
076. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? I noticed his big blue eyes
077. Are you too shy to ask someone out? Very
078. Can you do a headstand (not using a wall)? No O.O
079. Who would you like to see right now? My boyfriend
080. How many pillows do you sleep with? 4
081. Would you go on a date with someone on MySpace? Heck no
082. How do you want to die? I dont mind so long as I don't drown
083. What do you want to be when you grow up? A writer
084. What country would you most like to visit? Iceland
085. How many CDs do you own? A lot
086. How many things, in your past, do you regret? 1 thing, or 2.
087. Do you think you are attractive? It really depends on my mood
088. Do you believe in yourself? Not really but that depends on my mood too
089. Do you want to get married? Yes
In a boy/girl...
090. Favourite eye colour? Blue
091. Favourite hair colour? Mouse brown
092. Short or long hair? Short
093. Height? 6ft2
094. Weight? However much Tom weighs.
Sunday, 21 August 2011
World of work
Finishing sixth form has left me undoubtedly bamboozled about the future- upon recieving grades I didn't particually wish for, because somehow exams seem to have it in for me, but still leaving with acceptable grades none the less. I've been forced into a current storm of mindfuck, otherwise known as the world of work. Due to my colleges blatent prejudice against older students, i've been forced into realising that college for a third year and my obviously horrific age may not be a good idea after all and instead i'm going to have to get a job (if thats even possible, in london its more like attempting and failing miserably).
In my utter state of biwilderment and quite frankly well earned kharma for calling both my sister and my partner dolescum for getting job seekers allowance, its now become a part of my reality and as of the very near future i'm going to endure the dolescum status. Oh dear indeed. However, as my plans are usually the best inventions ever and I can get out of just about every sticky situation, i've figured (and been advised) to apply to a number of jobs, even if their crap, just so I can have some money, because right now being skint has quite frankly lost its novelty and I want some money.
There are too many material things I yearn for and I wont be satisfied until I have all of the pretty little things stored in my bedroom. Plus I need a bookshelf, my books are spewing off the sides of my shelves, its not even funny any more.
HOWEVER, this sudden realisation of not having go back to college means I can sit on my arse and read all of my books and the future books I wont be able to help myself buying.
Ahwell, an update on my struggle to find work will be in order during the coming months. So indulge yourselves in my misery.
Peace.
In my utter state of biwilderment and quite frankly well earned kharma for calling both my sister and my partner dolescum for getting job seekers allowance, its now become a part of my reality and as of the very near future i'm going to endure the dolescum status. Oh dear indeed. However, as my plans are usually the best inventions ever and I can get out of just about every sticky situation, i've figured (and been advised) to apply to a number of jobs, even if their crap, just so I can have some money, because right now being skint has quite frankly lost its novelty and I want some money.
There are too many material things I yearn for and I wont be satisfied until I have all of the pretty little things stored in my bedroom. Plus I need a bookshelf, my books are spewing off the sides of my shelves, its not even funny any more.
HOWEVER, this sudden realisation of not having go back to college means I can sit on my arse and read all of my books and the future books I wont be able to help myself buying.
Ahwell, an update on my struggle to find work will be in order during the coming months. So indulge yourselves in my misery.
Peace.
Saturday, 13 August 2011
General
Right, so i'm very clearly taking ages to read anything which isn't what I planned.
But I'm now quite burried in the LOTR trilogy, making my book about 1000 pages long :S umm i'm quite disappointed the movies cut sooooo much out and twisted some of the scenes to sort of make sense and make the films flow, but if they hadn't the movies would be extremely long (longer than they already are *cough* nearly 3 hours or so *cough*). But oh well.
I've just posted my application form to get two free thorpe park tickets, am I scared? Yes, Yes I am. But considering I willingly (and joyfully, but soon after regretted it) went on wipeout at PWH I think these rides will be a breeze.. so to speak. I'm quite looking forward to going on Saw the ride and colosus, as well as stealth, though I think I may just end up dying while I'm at the top of that, or while i'm plummeting to the bottom... or possibly both.
But never the less i'm hoping it will prove to be an awesome birthday trip for both me and Tom as I know he's dying to go on nemesis inferno again (i myself am shit scared of course =D).
As far as my leaf turning process goes, its going rather well. The little devil in my head has more or less packed his bags and is heading for spain or something like that. I'm trying not to let things get to me or go to my head. It's nice having peace of mind for once, plus as a step forward i've added a note in my book to refer to when I am bombarded with normality reducing parasitic thoughts :) plus the conversations i'm having lately concerning the future is helping massively sooo... smiles all round I think :)
But I'm now quite burried in the LOTR trilogy, making my book about 1000 pages long :S umm i'm quite disappointed the movies cut sooooo much out and twisted some of the scenes to sort of make sense and make the films flow, but if they hadn't the movies would be extremely long (longer than they already are *cough* nearly 3 hours or so *cough*). But oh well.
I've just posted my application form to get two free thorpe park tickets, am I scared? Yes, Yes I am. But considering I willingly (and joyfully, but soon after regretted it) went on wipeout at PWH I think these rides will be a breeze.. so to speak. I'm quite looking forward to going on Saw the ride and colosus, as well as stealth, though I think I may just end up dying while I'm at the top of that, or while i'm plummeting to the bottom... or possibly both.
But never the less i'm hoping it will prove to be an awesome birthday trip for both me and Tom as I know he's dying to go on nemesis inferno again (i myself am shit scared of course =D).
As far as my leaf turning process goes, its going rather well. The little devil in my head has more or less packed his bags and is heading for spain or something like that. I'm trying not to let things get to me or go to my head. It's nice having peace of mind for once, plus as a step forward i've added a note in my book to refer to when I am bombarded with normality reducing parasitic thoughts :) plus the conversations i'm having lately concerning the future is helping massively sooo... smiles all round I think :)
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