you crying tragic waste of skin. (lyrics)
I've recently been sorting out an old box of stuff, and my cd collection and i've made a very important realisation and it's sparked off a trail of thought- I've realised i'm really possessive over things, mostly about the section of my life i'm in, but I think it's quite charming- you may think its creepy.
There are things I meant to throw away a long time ago but i've held on to them. Now, i'm not the type to hold on to memories, because quite frankly I find remembering them too painful so i'd rather them slip happily into the depths of forgotten time.
I don't want to sound like an obnoxious twat when I say that, because i'm not.
I'm the sort of person who lives for the present and future. I hate the past. I hate everything in the past and most of the people in it. And it really bugged me knowing I kept this stuff because I don't know why I did- none of what I kept was from a particularly happy time in my life, in fact its from the build up to the worst time of my life and it's a time i'd rather pretend never happened (reguardless of my own reminders). However, let me just share the stuff I found: Old gig tickets, old photos, old notes, old cards. The stuff I actively keep without even questioning them is possibly everything obtainable from a general day out with Tom; such as receipts, cinema tickets, coach/train/bus tickets, cards, money, wrappers, labels, empty bottles and the general intense memory of his smell and taste, his voice, the way his eyes look when he looks at me and how his skin feels, how his hugs feel, how his hands feel, the warmth of his body- generally how he feels in all aspects. Some of the other things i've kept are empty purfume bottles because the smell reminds me of a certain time we were together: Kate Moss- Velvet hour reminds me of christmas 2008- When the bottle ran dry- the whole of the wintery season (The second season I love most). It reminds me so much of being in his house in Norwich (which he doesn't have anymore)- it reminds me so much that I get the exact moment I sprayed it flash back in my mind as if it just happened.
Back to what I was talking about though...With me saying that era's of my life are too painful to remember, its not me being attention seeking and over exagerating, its because it generally was. I had a conversation earlier on today about how certain people lie about themselves (which is where this is going), whether it be because they can't help it or because they're horrible selfish attention seeking people. I don't know, it genuinely made me grateful for the way I am and made me certain of something (I wont say what).
I'm a very honest person and I don't believe in lying, not for any reason. I don't believe theres any excuse for lying, nor any reason why someone should feel the need to lie. I have never lied of a serious kind, obviously the petty 'i'm not drunk, honest' kind, and I have certainly never lied about another person before.
I am genuine, and i am (if i do say so myself) a very nice person. I've spent the last 3 years going out of my way to make a special person happy, and not because I felt I had to, but because I wanted to. I wanted to be the person to repair his confidence, trust and faith in people and most of all I wanted to make him happy. There is nothing I wouldn't do to make him happy- it's honestly all I want.
Hes been the main reason for myself and my life changing and I think theres something of a serious nature between us, theres something no one else can feel between us. And what makes that so is pure honesty and trust in one another.
This is purely a personal realisation after I admitedly I felt quite rubbish looking through old memories and listening to my old music that reminded me of crap that was in the past, but it is there and people are there for a reason.
Most of the time I leave people behind, because I dont feel they're worth keeping in my life or because I probably don't like them or they've done something I can't forgive. I'm not a very forgiving person anyway because I don't believe people should do things they need to be forgiven for.
And the one thing I can't forgive is lying.
I really do pity people who feel the need to lie to others or about others to make themselves seem more interesting than they really are or to make people like them or some rubbish like that. I hate pretentious people, I hate people trying to be something else, I hate attention seeking people and I hate selfish people.
They always forget the people they're hurting.
All I want to do is make him happy.
