Motherhood

As everyone knows, I recently got 2 pet mice (Mishka and Elliot). Upon arriving, we soon found out Mishie was pregnant and gave birth to 6 beautiful healthy babies, 4 girls (Emily, Phoebe, Arwen and Vana) and 2 boys (Jeremy and Oscar)- due to expert escaping, sadly Oscar is no longer here.
Mishka raised her babies well, only leaving them to eat or have a drink- she soon became pregnant again and passed away the other day of which im still greiving over; she left me 11 babies to raise.

On realisation after the initial shock of Mishka's unexpected death, I realised I had to feed these babies, at the young age of 8 days old all I could offer them was milk whilst I frantically searched the web of how to feed them and raise them.
After endless conversations to my partner about what to do and having more than discouraging information online, and none of my babies willing to feed- I came to the harsh decision that it may be better if I let them pass away (based on the fact that they weren't feeding and they may not survive the night let alone the next day as no one would be home to feed them, and my complete distress that I could manage to feed them but taking into account my absense the following day I realised I may just end up prolonging the inevitable- or at least what I thought was inevitable).

So that following day I woke up to every single baby alive, and I had to leave them. I had spent that night before crying my eyes out- through sheer heartbreak and feeling awful that I was a complete cunt of a person for doing this. My whole coach journey to Yarmouth my decision haunted me and I felt like breaking down constantly. Around 3pm and once off my coach, I rang my mum who was now home; she told me they were all still alive and that my brother (who I now owe everything to) had managed to get them drinking some warm milk (at this moment I almost fell over)- I didnt know whether to cry or jump for joy (I did neither, I just wallowed in relief). I quickly gave my mum the information of how to look after them and demanded that she go buy some kitten formula for them! upon this new information I bombarded my mum constantly with several texts and phonecalls asking how they were doing.

Anxiously waiting to see them I rushed home when I got back in London. I quickly noticed how much weight they had lost and just how small they were. I then spent the next day feeding them almost by the hour to make sure they put on weight and got the nutrients they were lacking. I then read that you can mix rice with the milk formula, so thats exactly what I done.
all this happened from thursday night (the night they became orphans), its now wednesday and all 11 are alive and have put on weight slowly but surely- theyre getting nice little fat bellies and are start to fill out a bit more. The next few weeks are going to be tough but I'm staying hopeful.

As promised

I am writing more, I've had a good few dark clouds over my head for a while and I'm not too sure if they're lifting or just changing position.
Anyway, Job hunting in Yarmouth is proving fruitless- I may resort to bombarded shops with my cv and I may stoop as low as to beg them to hire me. I'm really hoping something comes about soon, because I really can't stay in London any longer- it's making me even more miserable than I am generally. And parting with Tom every other week is just getting too hard to carry on doing.
It's surprising- after 4 years you would think it gets easier to do, but nothing prepares you for just how soul destroying it is leaving the person you love over 100 miles behind. And to this day I still end up blubbering on the coach home every once in a while.

So as I was saying, I've been in a foul mood for weeks (if not months) and I think its really taken its toll on me. Generally I'm used to my moods erratically changing but to be this down for so long is really... bleurgh.
I tend to think about a lot of stuff that I've put behind me, and lately I've been thinking about a certain family member who I no longer have contact with and I'm not sure if I ever will again. I'm partly blaming myself for this, even though its entirely his fault- it's always his fault. However, if I didn't shout at him, he'd still be here... in his own poor way of showing it. I guess I'm kind of missing what I used to have- but saying that, I never really had him in the first place.
This is all too headache inducing and thinking about it all is a sure way for me to end up in tears and feeling sorry for myself...

What I'm feeling at the moment, I cant describe, its a mixture of having butterflies but also feeling intense sadness for no apparent reason.
I think it may just be a mixture of missing Tom and being desperate to move in with him so we can feel like we're finally making our life together.

You would think me writing all my thoughts and feelings down would help... but they really don't :/

Life

I haven't written in absolutely ages, so I guess heres a few updates- Enjoy!

I recently braved getting my first tattoo- I wasn't nearly as painful as I thought it was going to be, a kitten licking me would have been more painful! While i'm on this topic, I think I may share what it is and what/who its for and about. Anyone who knows me personally knows that me and Tom recently celebrated our 4 year anniversary together (June 3rd to be exact) and things are starting to become 'more real' if you can understand that. We're engaged now, we're going to be living together soon (hopefully) and this journey i've been doing for years is almost at an end. From London to Norwich on a regular basis- knowing the whole of it off by heart. With this in mind, I wanted to take something from the journey that I had grown accustomed to as well as really attatched to. Theres a place in Suffolk called Elveden where lots of deer roam the forests and without doubt, everytime the coach goes through it I see one. As they are one of my favourite wild animals anyway I chose a stag leaping to be the symbol representing us and our journey together.                     

I'll add to this when I can be bothered to write more :)