I am writing more, I've had a good few dark clouds over my head for a while and I'm not too sure if they're lifting or just changing position.
Anyway, Job hunting in Yarmouth is proving fruitless- I may resort to bombarded shops with my cv and I may stoop as low as to beg them to hire me. I'm really hoping something comes about soon, because I really can't stay in London any longer- it's making me even more miserable than I am generally. And parting with Tom every other week is just getting too hard to carry on doing.
It's surprising- after 4 years you would think it gets easier to do, but nothing prepares you for just how soul destroying it is leaving the person you love over 100 miles behind. And to this day I still end up blubbering on the coach home every once in a while.
So as I was saying, I've been in a foul mood for weeks (if not months) and I think its really taken its toll on me. Generally I'm used to my moods erratically changing but to be this down for so long is really... bleurgh.
I tend to think about a lot of stuff that I've put behind me, and lately I've been thinking about a certain family member who I no longer have contact with and I'm not sure if I ever will again. I'm partly blaming myself for this, even though its entirely his fault- it's always his fault. However, if I didn't shout at him, he'd still be here... in his own poor way of showing it. I guess I'm kind of missing what I used to have- but saying that, I never really had him in the first place.
This is all too headache inducing and thinking about it all is a sure way for me to end up in tears and feeling sorry for myself...
What I'm feeling at the moment, I cant describe, its a mixture of having butterflies but also feeling intense sadness for no apparent reason.
I think it may just be a mixture of missing Tom and being desperate to move in with him so we can feel like we're finally making our life together.
You would think me writing all my thoughts and feelings down would help... but they really don't :/
