Life story

I started writing my life story on here just now, and got to my difficult age of 16 and decided against it because theres certain things at that age that I just don't want publicised.
I think my life is just too emotional and too personal to be shared and I'd rather leave the past where its at.
Ohwell, maybe i'll write a book about it one day.

But heres a word to sum up my life: Unorthodox.

And heres a poem which relates to me this very second

Crossing the water by Plath

Black lake, black boat, two black, cut-paper people.

Where do the black trees go that drink here?
Their shadows must cover Canada.

A little light is filtering from the water flowers.
Their leaves do not wish us to hurry:
They are round and flat and full of dark advice.

Cold worlds shake from the oar.
The spirit of blackness is in us, it is in the fishes.
A snag is lifting a valedictory, pale hand;

Stars open among the lilies.
Are you not blinded by such expressionless sirens?
This is the silence of astounded souls.

Merry sodding christmas

The fact I weren't allowed to come home in nearly 2 weeks has really dampened my christmas spirit.
So I opened most of my presents yesterday instead of today. I need things to cheer me up coz these 2 weeks have got right under my thumb.

And now, i'm enduring our typical  christmas day where we put a movie on and my mum decides to phone family members and talks over the whole movie >.< And I am NOT going to try and listen to it over the sheer volume of her voice.

I just want christmas dinner, which will make me mildly happy, considering my mood at the current moment.

On brighter news, on 13th December my lovely other half asked me to marry him =D  (<--- see that face? well x's it by 1000000000000 recuring). Of course I said yes, who wouldn't? he's positively the single most amazing person i've ever come across, with a heart of gold, elf ears and rosy cheeks to match.
(Plus the ring is very pretty!!!)


Lets try and enjoy christmas shall we.

happy blogging

I haven't blogged in what seems like years, uhhh okay, here goes:

So, I have a job now, fun times.
I have a new phone, fun times.
I'm also 20 now, not so fun times.

It is christmas soon which i'm soooooo happy about ---> CHRISTMAS!!! <---  :)
I have all my presents wrapped and ready to hand out which seriously makes a change for me, usually i'm one of those that stumbles into shops a few days before christmas completely clueless as to what to buy anyone =/

anyway, i bought this book earlier and its full of love poems- probably quite cheesey but it has Sylvia Plath, Edgar Allen Poe and some of my other favourites in it so i was like WHY THE HELL NOT =D
and I was reading through it and thought this one was nice and quirky so i thought i'd share some poem love:

Her face Her tongue Her Wit
so fair so sweet so sharp
first bent then drew then hit
mine eye mine ear mine heart

Mine eye            Mine ear           My heart
to like                 to learn             to love
her face             her tongue         her wit
doth lead          doth teach         doth move

Her face           Her tongue          Her wit
with beams       with sound          with art
doth blind         doth charm         doth knit
mine eye           mine ear             my heart

Mine eye         Mine ear           My heart
with life           with hope          with skill
her face           her tongue         her wit
doth feed        doth feast          doth fill

O face            O tongue           O wit
with frowns     with cheeks       with smart
wrong not       vex not              wound not
mine eye         mine ear            my heart

This eye        This ear             This heart
shall joy        shall yield           shall swear
her face        her tongue          her wit
to serve        to trust               to fear.


Read it how you will :)
Its quite pleasing.

Name: Loreta Laura Hayward


DOB: 26th september 1991

Birthplace: Hackney

Current location: Leytonstone

Eye color: Brown

Hair Color: Currently red
Height: 5'7

Heritage: English, Irish, Scottish, French etc

Piercings: 8

Tattoos: Nope

Favorite

Band/Singer: Inme (band) Example (singer)

Song: Won't go quietly- Example

Genre of Music: Alternative English rock

Colour(s): Purple, teal, grey, brown, red, forrest green

TV show(s): Inbetweeners, peepshow, friends

Movie(s): Braveheart, LOTR, One flew over the cuckoos nest

Food: Vegtarian bolognese

Store: Evolution or the fantastic bookshop in yarmouth

#: 13

Drink: Coffee

Clothing Brand: N/A

Shoe Brand: Vans
Animal: All of them =D

Pizza topping: Cheese

Season: Autumn

Month: November

Holiday: Christmas

Flower: Lily

This or That

Sunny or rainy: Sunny

Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate

Fruit or veggie: Veggie

Night or day: Night

Sour or sweet: Sweet

Love or money: Love

Phone or in person: In person
Poor & happy or rich & miserable: Poor and happy

Looks or personality: A good combination of the both

Coffee or tea: COFFEE

Hot or cold: Cold

Your

Goal for this year: Lose weight (as always)

Most missed memory: At the moment its heathrow terminal 5 travel lodge

Best physical feature: My arse?

First thought waking up: WHY!!???

Future: Will be spent with Thomas :)

Do you wanna get married: Yes

Do you wanna have kids: Yes

If so, how many: 3 or 4 or more :)

Do you wanna go to college: I have been thanks

What do you want to be: I wanna be an writer/explorer but that wont happen

Do You

Dance in the rain: I probably would

Smoke: Sometimes, not very often

Drink: Not often, only at parties

Shower daily: I was daily yes

Like thunderstorms: I do

Curse: All the time

Sing: I try to..

Play an instrument: Nope

Think you are good looking: Well I don't think i'm ugly soo...

Get along with your parents: One of them yes

Other Questions

Can you whistle: I can indeed

Right or left handed: Right

Your bedtime: Whenever I need to go to bed

Biggest fear: Water, wasps, spiders.

3 things you can't live without: Tom, coffee & food
Color of your room: Purple

Siblings: 5 of them

Middle name: Laura

Pets: 1 budgie and 6 goldfish

Nicknames: Lozzie

For or against gay marriage: For

Thoughts on abortion: Nooooo no no!

If you could be anywhere right now where would you be: In Norwich waiting for Tom to get off his train and then go back to yarmouth with him.

Do you wear contacts/glasses: No

Are you afraid of the dark: No

Related to my last post.

You are one of God's mistakes.

you crying tragic waste of skin. (lyrics) 
I've recently been sorting out an old box of stuff, and my cd collection and i've made a very important realisation and it's sparked off a trail of thought- I've realised i'm really possessive over things, mostly about the section of my life i'm in, but I think it's quite charming- you may think its creepy.
There are things I meant to throw away a long time ago but i've held on to them. Now, i'm not the type to hold on to memories, because quite frankly I find remembering them too painful so i'd rather them slip happily into the depths of forgotten time.

I don't want to sound like an obnoxious twat when I say that, because i'm not.

I'm the sort of person who lives for the present and future. I hate the past. I hate everything in the past and most of the people in it. And it really bugged me knowing I kept this stuff because I don't know why I did- none of what I kept was from a particularly happy time in my life, in fact its from the build up to the worst time of my life and it's a time i'd rather pretend never happened (reguardless of my own reminders). However, let me just share the stuff I found: Old gig tickets, old photos, old notes, old cards. The stuff I actively keep without even questioning them is possibly everything obtainable from a general day out with Tom; such as receipts, cinema tickets, coach/train/bus tickets, cards, money, wrappers, labels, empty bottles and the general intense memory of his smell and taste, his voice, the way his eyes look when he looks at me and how his skin feels, how his hugs feel, how his hands feel, the warmth of his body- generally how he feels in all aspects. Some of the other things i've kept are empty purfume bottles because the smell reminds me of a certain time we were together: Kate Moss- Velvet hour reminds me of christmas 2008- When the bottle ran dry- the whole of the wintery season (The second season I love most). It reminds me so much of being in his house in Norwich (which he doesn't have anymore)- it reminds me so much that I get the exact moment I sprayed it flash back in my mind as if it just happened.

Back to what I was talking about though...With me saying that era's of my life are too painful to remember, its not me being attention seeking and over exagerating, its because it generally was. I had a conversation earlier on today about how certain people lie about themselves (which is where this is going), whether it be because they can't help it or because they're horrible selfish attention seeking people. I don't know, it genuinely made me grateful for the way I am and made me certain of something (I wont say what).

I'm a very honest person and I don't believe in lying, not for any reason. I don't believe theres any excuse for lying, nor any reason why someone should feel the need to lie. I have never lied of a serious kind, obviously the petty 'i'm not drunk, honest' kind, and I have certainly never lied about another person before.
I am genuine, and i am (if i do say so myself) a very nice person. I've spent the last 3 years going out of my way to make a special person happy, and not because I felt I had to, but because I wanted to. I wanted to be the person to repair his confidence, trust and faith in people and most of all I wanted to make him happy. There is nothing I wouldn't do to make him happy- it's honestly all I want.
Hes been the main reason for myself and my life changing and I think theres something of a serious nature between us, theres something no one else can feel between us. And what makes that so is pure honesty and trust in one another.

This is purely a personal realisation after I admitedly I felt quite rubbish looking through old memories and listening to my old music that reminded me of crap that was in the past, but it is there and people are there for a reason.

Most of the time I leave people behind, because I dont feel they're worth keeping in my life or because I probably don't like them or they've done something I can't forgive. I'm not a very forgiving person anyway because I don't believe people should do things they need to be forgiven for.
And the one thing I can't forgive is lying.
I really do pity people who feel the need to lie to others or about others to make themselves seem more interesting than they really are or to make people like them or some rubbish like that. I hate pretentious people, I hate people trying to be something else, I hate attention seeking people and I hate selfish people.
They always forget the people they're hurting.

All I want to do is make him happy.

I'm actually doing this.

001. What is Your Name? Loreta Laura Hayward


002. How old are you? Going on 20

003. What is the link to your website, blog, or myspace? Have a look

General

004. What is your height? 5'7

005. Do you have any siblings? yes, 5- 3 girls, 2 boys.

006. What is your eye colour? Brown

007. What is your hair colour? Mouse brown/ Golden brownish

008. Do you wear glasses or contacts? Neither

009. Are you right handed or left handed? Right

010. Do you have any piercings? Yes 8 of them

011. Do you smoke? Sometimes, not often

012. Do you swear? Pretty much always

013. Do you get along with your parents? My mum mostly

014. Your heritage? Uhh not exactly sure but a mixture of eastern European, English and Irish :/

015. Your fears? Spiders, water, wide open spaces.

016. Goal you would like to achieve this year? Get a Job.

017. Most overused phrase on an instant messenger? Probably 'omg'

018. Best Physical Feature? Been told its my eyes, but i'd say my bum :)
019. Your bedtime? When the caffeine wears off

020. What time do you arise in the morning? I usually miss mornings..

021. First thoughts waking up? 5 more minutes

022. Do you shower daily? I wash daily, but I don't shower daily. I really don't get that dirty...

This Or That?

023. Bright or dark room? Dark

024. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate

025. Dogs of cats? Both, I can't possibly choose, dogs understand more and are more playful but cats are more cuddly.

026. Pepsi or Coke? Coke zero

027. McDonalds or Burger King? Real food please

028. Ant or Dec? Neither

029. Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea? I've never tried any of them

030. Cappuccino or Coffee? OH MY GOD BOTH <3 Cappuccino is better though

In the last month have you...

031. Drank alcohol? Nope

032. Gone to a mall? Yes

033. Eaten a box of Oreos? No

034. Eaten sushi? I dont eat sushi =S

035. Been on stage? Heck no
036. Been dumped? Heck no

037. Gone skinny dipping? Heck no

038. Stolen Anything? Heck no

Have you ever...

039. Laughed for no reason? Oh yes, many a time

040. Been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do? Not that I know of

041. Been in love? Yes

042. Fired a gun? No

043. Been drunk? Yes

044. Been called a Tease? Yes

045. Been beaten up? Never

046. Shoplifted? Nope

What was the last....

047. Furry thing you touched? The cat down the road earlier today

048. Thing you've said? Out loud- 'Mum wake up!'

049. Song you've listened to? Merle Haggard- Mama tried

050. (Who was the last) person you've spoken to on the phone? My mum

051. Movie you watched? Well I'm currently watching Childs Play 3, if you mean in the cinema it was the Inbetweeners movie

052. Thing you were doing before this? Talking to a few friends

053. Time you cried? Last night

054. Song you've sang? Love song- Korn

055. Time you looked at the clock? About an hour ago

056. Food and drink you've had? Rice cakes with chive cream cheese and cold coffee =/

057. Flavour of gum you've chewed? Mint flavour :S

058. Shoes you've worn? My battered vans

059. Store you've been in? Superdrug

Favourite...

060. Planet? Jupitar

061. Age you've been so far? Probably the age I am now (19)

062. Season? Always Autumn

063. Number? 13

064. TV show? Come dine with me (at the moment)

065. Flower? Lily

Random...

066. How much cash do you have on you? £5 exactly

067. What's a word that rhymes with 'door'? Floor

068. What T-Shirt are you wearing? Its a pretty white floral top

069. What brand of shoes are you wearing? I'm wearing socks

070. What did your last text message say? My boyfriend telling me I have to tell him my dream and than he said he loves me :)

071. What were you doing at midnight last night? Mate I was in bed

072. What's your current desktop picture? Its of me and Tom

073. What's a word that you say a lot? 'omg' or 'fuck'

074. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Probably green or orange

075. How is the weather right now? its dark outside and cold, its london so i presume its cloudy out too

076. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? I noticed his big blue eyes

077. Are you too shy to ask someone out? Very

078. Can you do a headstand (not using a wall)? No  O.O

079. Who would you like to see right now? My boyfriend

080. How many pillows do you sleep with? 4

081. Would you go on a date with someone on MySpace? Heck no

082. How do you want to die? I dont mind so long as I don't drown

083. What do you want to be when you grow up? A writer

084. What country would you most like to visit? Iceland

085. How many CDs do you own? A lot

086. How many things, in your past, do you regret? 1 thing, or 2.

087. Do you think you are attractive? It really depends on my mood
088. Do you believe in yourself? Not really but that depends on my mood too

089. Do you want to get married? Yes

In a boy/girl...

090. Favourite eye colour? Blue

091. Favourite hair colour? Mouse brown

092. Short or long hair? Short

093. Height? 6ft2

094. Weight? However much Tom weighs.

World of work

Finishing sixth form has left me undoubtedly bamboozled about the future- upon recieving grades I didn't particually wish for, because somehow exams seem to have it in for me, but still leaving with acceptable grades none the less. I've been forced into a current storm of mindfuck, otherwise known as the world of work. Due to my colleges blatent prejudice against older students, i've been forced into realising that college for a third year and my obviously horrific age may not be a good idea after all and instead i'm going to have to get a job (if thats even possible, in london its more like attempting and failing miserably).

In my utter state of biwilderment and quite frankly well earned kharma for calling both my sister and my partner dolescum for getting job seekers allowance, its now become a part of my reality and as of the very near future i'm going to endure the dolescum status. Oh dear indeed. However, as my plans are usually the best inventions ever and I can get out of just about every sticky situation, i've figured (and been advised) to apply to a number of jobs, even if their crap, just so I can have some money, because right now being skint has quite frankly lost its novelty and I want some money.
There are too many material things I yearn for and I wont be satisfied until I have all of the pretty little things stored in my bedroom. Plus I need a bookshelf, my books are spewing off the sides of my shelves, its not even funny any more.
HOWEVER, this sudden realisation of not having go back to college means I can sit on my arse and read all of my books and the future books I wont be able to help myself buying.

Ahwell, an update on my struggle to find work will be in order during the coming months. So indulge yourselves in my misery.

Peace.

General

Right, so i'm very clearly taking ages to read anything which isn't what I planned.
But I'm now quite burried in the LOTR trilogy, making my book about 1000 pages long :S umm i'm quite disappointed the movies cut sooooo much out and twisted some of the scenes to sort of make sense and make the films flow, but if they hadn't the movies would be extremely long (longer than they already are *cough* nearly 3 hours or so *cough*). But oh well.

I've just posted my application form to get two free thorpe park tickets, am I scared? Yes, Yes I am. But considering I willingly (and joyfully, but soon after regretted it) went on wipeout at PWH I think these rides will be a breeze.. so to speak. I'm quite looking forward to going on Saw the ride and colosus, as well as stealth, though I think I may just end up dying while I'm at the top of that, or while i'm plummeting to the bottom... or possibly both.
But never the less i'm hoping it will prove to be an awesome birthday trip for both me and Tom as I know he's dying to go on nemesis inferno again (i myself am shit scared of course =D).

As far as my leaf turning process goes, its going rather well. The little devil in my head has more or less packed his bags and is heading for spain or something like that. I'm trying not to let things get to me or go to my head. It's nice having peace of mind for once, plus as a step forward i've added a note in my book to refer to when I am bombarded with normality reducing parasitic thoughts :) plus the conversations i'm having lately concerning the future is helping massively sooo... smiles all round I think :)

Appearance issues.

I wasn't going to write a blog until i've finished my book project, but I feel the need to have a good rant as the self indulgent issue of appearance of pretty much every woman/girl makes me feel ill.

I can't fathom why women and girls are so concerned of their own appearance to the point where they literally make themselves look worse than what they probably did prior to that. Why the female population feel the need to become thinner than a piece of paper goes over my head- I can't even see how skinnyness is the slightest bit attractive, how is bones sticking out and looking like you're about to snap if someone brushes past you or even breathes near you attractive? Fair enough each to their own and all that but seriously, when females become very skinny they lose their femininity, the feminine shape and they look almost androgenous, and to be quite honest, they look ill. How has the media managed to succeeded in promoting the idea that being as thin as a model (who by the way has a horrendously unhealthy lifestyle due to the pressures of the modelling industry) is in any way idealistic. Bare in mind that these models, as thin as they are have been photoshopped to look 'perfect' (what ever that is) and how they look in these images is probably far off from what they really look like, as well as these images not being even remotely achievable naturally.
It absolutely grates on me that everyone is trying to look like something that they can't even achieve. And also the fact that it makes some people incredibly ill and is sadly fatal in some cases. It saddens me to know that girls are actually willing to become ill and give up their lives so they can look like the women in the magazines.

I think everyone is beautiful and no one should feel pressurised to look like anyone else or any specific icon or image. It also amazes me how much what is considered to be attractive or 'perfect' has changed dramatically- considering larger women were considered very attractive as it portrayed their fertility and ability to bear a child- fair enough we no longer live in an age where having children is a major concern and its not really part of our everyday focus but how has this nationwide opinion changed so much. From size, lets say 16+ to size 0 or below. Theres nothing in my opinion attractive about size zero/two/four/six/eight- I just think its too skinny. I mean i've never been any of those sizes (apart from when I was like 6 years old when that doesn't count) and I would never want to be that size either. I've always carried a little bit more weight than I should, but its never been an unhealthy amount. I believe in being healthy, and I am healthy so I don't care if i'm a little bit podgey in some places- I love food, I love eating food, I love cooking food, food is literally the way to win my heart (until the food is gone =P). I think food should be enjoyed and not feared.
On the contrary to this, a survey was done by men to indicate their preference for a female body type and it actyally showed that most men prefer curvier women so what the hell are these wafer thin girls on? thinking men will like them more or be more attracted to them if they're stick thin... It honestly does not make sense.

Moving away slightly I realise I do myself have a large amount of body and image issues- I have done from as far as I can remember but even though sometimes I feel like becoming a hermit so no one can ever see me and I don't have to worry about what I look like etc, I still can't help but be satisfied with the fact that I am quite chubby and curvy, I like having love handles and bits my other half can grab (too much infomation I know)- if he's satisfied and more than happy with me how I am than why should I change? I'm not going to get sucked in by unrealistic images of women. Women should have meat on them, men should have meat on them. Big is beautiful in my mind.

Dear mass media stop polluting female minds!

Summer reading project.

Been buying tonnes of books recently- so many that i've had to give up another shelf.
Now the project basically involves me reading all of my books and recording what i've read and how long it took and what I thought of it. Now I warn you, my reading is a little rusty because I haven't had the time to read hardly anything the past two years which is so so shameful, so it may take me ages to read what seems like an 'easy read'.

So here goes:
1) Pride and Prejudice- 5-6 days
Now i've heard so many people call this the longest and most boring book they've ever read, however I think it's quiteposibly the best book i've ever read, having watched the series and the movie which does the book absolutely no credit and chose the actors poorly. I found reading the book a lot more informative on every character and allowed me to explore and empathise as well as comprehend each of the situations and characters which the movie failed to achieve.

2) Room- 1 1/2 days
Room is quite possibly the saddest book i've ever written, the mystery litterally unravels within the story and its utterly heart breaking. After reading the book I did a little reasearch and found it was influenced by a true story. I found it quite a frustrating and unbarable read as well as very compelling, purely because I could almost imagine being in that given situation and I found it incredibly easy to relate to 'ma' and felt every bit of distress.

3) Alice In Wonderland- Less than 1 day
I've never read Alice in Wonderland before and its been years since I watched the movie, so I was quite rusty on my memory of what actually happens. I found the book cery compelling to read on and found it really quite cheerful, being a fan of Lewis Carroll anyway I new I would probably like the book. I do love a bit of good old fantasy and queer/absurd story lines, however, I found it rather difficult to keep up with what was going on and found it really quite bizarre (as it was) but none the less a very good read.

4) The Rainbow- In the process of reading.

5) Lord of the Rings- Trilogy- In the process of reading

My Aquarium

Just a few pictures of the latest addition to the fish tank.
They're rather gorgeous i'd say
x

Lets start again

I got quite sick of everything I posted before.

This new leaf i've been promising myself i'll turn over and actually stick to it, well (brace yourself) I'm actually going to do it. It doesn't involve changing myself at all, just my attitude to things.
I've realised I have nothing at all to to worry or threat about; everything is more than dandy.

Ofcourse staying in college a 3rd year isn't quite ideal- It means countless essays and god knows what from economics (brain malfunction perhaps?) However considering i'll have a full A Level in Anthropology I think it'll be worth it. Considering my college is one of the few that teaches the course it'll be a devine sight for the uni's I apply for later on in the year (a few different from last year- I would like to stay as far away from the 'grim north' as possible). I've devoted so many hours of thought on this subject as a matter of considering future paths/ careers because I don't tend to/ find it difficult to stick to a subject I choose before being whisked off with infatuatuation for another. I've finaly found the route I want to take- it's an incredible interest of mine and has loads of branches of which I could take and shape into my own speciality. Not to mention I'm bloody good at it.
I definately do not regret not going down th nursing for mental health path- though it was just a phase, it still grasps my interest and I think I'll pursue it in a different way and merely learn about it in my own time, much like i'll will philosophy (when i've stopped hating it ofcourse).  I kind of wonder how it would have been had I chosen to stay with nursing- i would have ended up up t'north and being gravely unhappy, not to mention how far i'd be from anyone I care about and the journey both there and back- how boring! The M1 has to be the most god awful motorway that ever existed- there is nothing along that motor way that stands out or screams uniqueness. It's the most boring journey i've ever endured and not to mention the people who you have to travel with- they're rude, noisey and have no regards to the people around them. Eurgh.

Outside of the education aspect of my life, there was a purpose for the turning of the leaf- of reasons I wont go into. My ways of thinking have been a bit ill so to speak and my attitude and behaviour just as bad when it needn't be. I have everything to fault myself for and I think i've been quite denial about it in previous situations. I've been wanting to do this for a while but I guess I never allowed myself to because it was somewhat beyond what I believed in.
I've realised i've got nothing to whine and moan about- I have everything I need to be happy, so whats a few mishaps in the past? Granted theres 1 or 2 at the present, but nothing but time and space will either cure them or forget them- though more likely to be the latter. Lets just bury the dead, plant my new leaf tree and be happy with the present and future. Because whats the point of being angry at something I can't change? I should just be happy and thankful that it did happen because it worked out for the best and it has allowed me to repair everything and make it even better than it was. Thats got to count for something right?